A Precautionary Tale (Poem)

I’ve never been that girl who gets a guy’s attention.

I’m cute but, not cute enough; big ass, thick thighs, great boobs small waist but…not enough.

Smart, outgoing, ambitious but, still a little too rough.

Too bold is what they told me

Too much mouth so it made me cold.

So I resigned myself to the fact that I’d never get a man.

And I was okay with that cause niggas ain’t shit anyways.

Even thought of dating a White dude but nope, he just HAD to be Black

Because there’s something about that Black love that just…

So while I knew that I was pretty I’d understood that I’d never quite be enough.

Sure, enough to holla at but to wife up? Not so much.

It didn’t bother me though because I played niggas too

Gave em fake numbers, kicked em to the curb if I got bored, never thinking of the consequences.

I could always spot bullshit, fuckery, and a nigga who wanted to get into my panties from a mile away and then…

I.met.him.

He was the epitome of what I wanted in a man but, I never thought anything would happen between us

So I kept my distance, wrote this one little poem back in high school, kept my infatuation and fascination to myself…

And then one day, he did notice me.

But it was too good to be true, right? Because girls like me, we NEVER, EVER get the guy we want

But then I did, or so I thought.

I went into it thinkin ‘nah, this can’t be real’

But then it was…until it wasn’t anymore.

You see, I had always been a good girl, was prided on how smart I was, on how I’d never ended up like all the other girls.

When in reality, I wanted to be those girls

Cause those girls got the guys, the cute babies, the life I thought that I should be living because hey

I didn’t smoke, I didn’t drink, I wasn’t having premarital sex (yet)

I was more than just good looks so why couldn’t I get a man?

Oh, right cause I was fat, didn’t go out much, and kept to myself.

Okay cool.

But then this one guy, this really great guy comes along and…

He chooses me, wants to talk to me, wants to get to know me.

Well shit.

At first like I said I didn’t believe it because I wasn’t his type.

So why the fuck was he tryna holla at me?

Could it be that he…really did like me too?

I let myself fall into the trap, fell into the guise of the well-tailored suits and intellectual words

I fell for his love of Jesus, his respect for the community and me well…

He wasn’t feeling me but still, he chose me so that had to count for something, right?

Looking back I knew this would end badly because I was (and still am) convinced that NO ONE will ever want me, not enough to wife me up so I let him in.

Gave him pieces of myself I can never get back and while I don’t regret that I do regret him.

He told me sweet empty nothings, called me cute names and I, so wrapped up in the idea of him, let him.

Everything I did I did willingly and I admit that but, I still ended up cuting him way too much slack

Now he really is a great guy don’t get me wrong but, he just doesn’t know what the fuck he wants…

Except that he wanted to fuck me.

And I let him because this was the guy, the one who matched everything on my stupid little list (but did he?)

Good looking…check

Loves Jesus…check

Funny…check

Honest…eh, maybe?

Ambitious, most definitely

Can wear the hell out of a suit, yes lawd!

And that all looks good on paper right but,

Did he want me?

Did he really, truly want me?

We played this game for weeks, us going back and forth, doing all kinds of inappropriate things and

When I laid down with him I knew; this was different.

He didn’t pressure me, didn’t disrespect me but if all that I said was true then why did I give myself ‘the talk’

‘Dee, if he doesn’t call you back, don’t get mad’

‘If this doesn’t go anywhere, don’t get mad’

‘No matter the outcome, this is all your fault because you led him on’

But did I really?

I mean yeah I did but, he knew, oh buddy did he know

He knew how the fuck I felt and what the fuck I wanted

But still, he chose me so that must mean something right?

No, that didn’t mean shit

Because even though he chose me, he still used me

He was a willing participant and so was I

But you wanna know what wasn’t?

My heart

My fucking feelings

And it’s not like he didn’t know

Because oh boy DID he know

So why did he choose me?

That’s the question I’m left grappling with

As I sit here and type this

My feelings gutted

Everything I didn’t wanna feel I do

You ain’t shit

You’re not that special

I don’t wish you well

In fact fuck you

Why?

Why did you come after me?

If all you wanted was some pussy, I’m sure there was some girl who’d be willing to give it to you with no emotional attachment involved.

But no, I was the girl you used under the false pretense of

“Let’s just be friends”

Knowing good and goddamn well that wasn’t the case

Cause all we did was fuck, that’s it

But we kept saying ‘friends’ because we

Or rather I

Was blinded by the d

I thought I was smarter

Thought I would be better

But no

I’m not any of those things

What I am is stupid as fuck

I should’ve cut you off a long time ago

Should’ve chopped my feelings off at the knees

Because now my heart and feelings are gutted like a fish and you

You get to walk away scot free

Lucky son of a bitch

I should say your name but I won’t

Because you’re not good enough for me to utter your name

Yes I’m writing this and even though I should totally put you on blast

Warn every girl of how nice you are and how they’ll instantly fall for you

While you fuck them and string them along, claiming to want friendship despite what happens but

I still care about you

It’s stupid but I do

Because I let myself think you’d be different

Nah dawg, you just another nigga, just better dressed with a lil more finesse than most

So to the girl you date, he’s a really great guy, you’ll love the hell out of him, I know I almost did

But to you, my only piece of advice: be careful with the next girl’s heart

If you don’t want her don’t fuck her

Because the next girl might not be as kind as me and write a poem about you

The next girl might really try and fuck you up

Can we be friends?

Right now, hell fuck no

My wounds are too fresh

So right now fuck you

No, straight up, FUCK YOU

Nah, I don’t wish you well

Not in this moment but I will one day

And even as I write this I blame myself

I let my guard down and I’ve NEVER been a girl who takes a chance on love

No, what we had wasn’t love, don’t panic bitch

But I did like you

I liked you enough to fuck you three times

I liked you enough to annoy the hell out of my friends to talk about you and yet

Did your friends know about me?

I wonder, but I doubt it

I was special enough to fuck

But not special enough to hang out in public with

You’re a busy man, yeah I know

But I would’ve appreciated those 20 minutes we fucked if they were spent chilling

You claim I have a dope mind but right now I feel dumb

Because why the fuck would you even come after me when you knew how I felt and you knew what I wanted

I feel so dumb

Because even sitting here typing up this poem I find excuses for you

‘Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything’

‘Maybe I shouldn’t have told people we were talking’

‘Maybe I should text you again’

‘You didn’t mean what you said’

‘I just pissed you off’

But dammit, what about me?

You can’t say let’s be cool after you’ve fucked over my feelings

No fuck that and fuck you

I can’t be mad at you, I shouldn’t be but I am

I thought you’d be different

And you are

You’re just a special kinda different

A really great dude

And I really do wish you well

You just aint shit to me right now

Maybe one day I’ll be able to support you to be your friend…

Nah we can’t do that friend shit because we fucked and my feelings are involved

And truth be told they probably always will be

There’s only one other dude who got this close to my heart

So consider yourself lucky

But the damage you’ve done is really gonna set me back

Because like I said, I was never ‘that girl’

And now I know I never will be

I was so afraid to give you a chance

So scared to lose you

Because I know dudes aren’t checking for me

So I settled for you but

You didn’t wanna settle for me

Because you can do so much better

And I’m sure you will

So go ahead and do what guys do best

Walk away squeaky clean

While I’m left here cleaning up your shit

Because you’ll just do the same thing again

And my feelings?

Well, they’ll be blamed on me

In fact, I’m quite sure that at this point I’m nothing more than a passing thought to you

And I’m cool with that

But I send a fair warning to the next girl he messes with

Do not be persuaded by the good looks, the bomb suits, the kind words, and the dope ass sex

Cause underneath it all is a boy who doesn’t know what he wants

A guy who’s willing to fuck over other people’s feelings in the process

And me well, I’ll do what I do best

Move the hell on

I honestly have no regrets

Still a big fuck you but at the same time

Thank you

You taught me a lot of things

To never settle

That I am the SHIT and you were LUCKY AS FUCK to have me

That I’m a good woman

That I have a right to want things

That no, what I wanted wasn’t too much

That falling off the precipice of love is okay

I thought the fall would be harder but

I landed on my feet surprisingly

So thanks for that lesson

You’ll always hold a special place in my heart

Even if you ain’t shit

I loved you, or at least a version of you

The one I was blinded by

I loved you yes, but I loved the idea of you more

Of who you were

Of you who could be

You gave me a great gift by moving on

Now I can get ready for the real man to come along

One who will love me

And cherish me

Who’s gonna appreciate the shit outta me

Because I am awesome

And strong

And amazing

And a whole bunch more shit you’ll never get to discover

You had your chance now you blew it

So big ups to you!

You just did my future husband a favor.

Later.

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