One of my favorite YouTuber’s is Shannon Boodram, aka Shan BOODY. Last month, she uploaded a video called, My Career is NOT a Fairytale. When I watched this video (I’ve watched it at least 100 times already) there was this one line that stuck out to me,
“Never stop kicking the ball,”
I’ve always been a kid with a dream; I wanted to be famous. It sounds silly but, I’ve always wanted to be a superstar, though I’m ironically the most introverted person ever. My two career choices in terms of fame? A Musician (preferably a songwriter who sang occasionally), or just someone who got so famous that I ended up on Oprah, Lol. I had people I wanted to meet, fans I knew I had to inspire, but I never let myself be special, because I slowly realized…
I’m not that special, if that makes sense.
Hear me out; most famous people have that special something, that certain spark. They’re either really beautiful, they have these standout personalities, this incredible talent, or they just know somebody who knows somebody.
I don’t have any of that.
I mean, I’m cute, but it’s not this bam, in your face type beauty. I’m soft spoken, I’m really quiet, extremely introverted, I live in Mobile, Alabama, my parents aren’t super famous or super rich and I have no connections to anyone famous.
Still, that dream to be famous just wouldn’t let me go; it won’t let me go.
Of course, I’ve tried to be more practical, but life, or God rather, just won’t let me do that. So, I keep pushing at wherever it is life is leading me. Have you ever been at that point in your life where you KNOW you have a purpose, but you’re unsure as to how in the hell you’re supposed to get there or even what the hell that exact purpose is?
Yeah, that’s so me.
I live in this place where I float between uncertainty, self-revelation, and achievement. Once I reach that point of achievement, I plateau, and then I spiral downward and I’m forced to start the cycle all over again.
Do you know how annoying that is, to have a dream and then get SO close and then…you’re forced to start over again? It’s like, playing a game of monopoly and you’re always getting the ‘go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200 dollars’ card.
When life keeps kicking you in the teeth, it changes you and you lose bits and pieces of yourself. I used to have such high hopes in life and now, I’m a little bit tainted; happy people do not make me happy, optimism makes me sick and I do NOT think the world is a bright and shiny place. Still, I keep going, and I can’t stop kicking that stupid metaphorical ball.
When I was 18, I was so sure that my purpose in life was to become a social worker; it made sense to me. I loved kids, I loved being able to help other people; I had a job working with kids; it just made sense. Now at 26, I have no clue what the hell I’m doing, which is scary because again, I’m 26 and I’ll be graduating college in a few weeks. All I know is that I’m passionate about helping people, I really love to write, and I have a weird obsession with politics, namely social issues. That’s all I know and I have NO idea what to do with that. I’ve had several opportunities to move away from home and start a career in New York or LA, and a few years ago, I would’ve jumped at the opportunity.
Now, though, I look at my hometown and see so many possibilities. So many of my friends have the same vision or something along the same lines as me, in terms of wanting to see the city and our community be better. Frustratingly, I see all of my friends getting out there and doing something while I’m…stuck in the same spot, still kicking this stupid metaphorical ball and not seeing any kind of movement. It’s not that I haven’t had opportunities to do things, and it’s not like I don’t know people in high places, but again, I live in this sphere where whenever I make a move, I always get knocked down and I’m forced to start over again.
I’ve come to the realization that I will always be kicking the ball.
I don’t know why nor do I understand it but, there’s just something inside of me that won’t let me quit. Sure, I say that I’m going to quit all of the time but, whenever I reach my lowest point, somehow I manage to get up, gather my bearings and I go back and I keep kicking that damn metaphorical ball. Sometimes, it moves, but it’s not very far and that, that is frustrating as hell.
Slowly, I’m realizing that I am only marginally in control of my destiny, and I must trust in the higher power (God) and his plan for me. I must admit that I have been an idiot lately and I’ve been standing still because I’ve been hoping that this time, the ball will keep rolling. However, standing still won’t help me, so I have to keep moving. I have to believe that no matter what happens, there’s a purpose in my life and I must keep going. So here I am, patiently waiting, hoping that God has something up his sleeve because I know that I have a purpose, I just don’t know exactly what it is.
Because everytime, every single goddamn time I feel like I’ve got it, I find things shifting into a broader sphere, and I’m not sure where to go or what to do.
Take, for instance, my desire to help people. I was once so sure that my purpose was to specifically help children. Now, though, I want to help people of color, I want to help women, I want to help the LGBT community, I want to help inner cities and be involved in education. I also still also want to write, but I don’t just want to write books, I want to blog and possibly create my own screenplays and maybe get involved with music.
Do you see how annoying this is?
I know that my purpose is to inspire people but each time I find this space where I feel like I fit, I lose it and I’m sent back to square one. I used to think that I had to accomplish these goals on based on a certain time scale, which freaked me out. However, now that I’m 26 and it still hasn’t happened, I’m coming to realize that my purpose will happen when it’s time. It’s sooo annoying but, I learn to trust in that, every day. It’s still frustrating as all get out that this dream, this passion that’s stirring inside of me still hasn’t come to fruition yet but, I KNOW it’s there and I know it’s going to happen.
Which brings me back to the video that I mentioned.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, or rather I’m still learning, is that nothing can get done if I just keep sitting still. I’m starting to learn that I may not change the world on a grand scale, but I know that I’m supposed to change it in some way. Maybe I’m not a huge Tsunami, maybe I’m just a small wave with an occasional huge wave every now and then. Maybe I’m not even a wave at all; maybe I’m just part of the tide that rolls in and out. Maybe I’m not even a part of the ocean, maybe I’m a river or a stream or hell, maybe I’m even a damn puddle. The point of those analogies is that no matter how I do it, whether it be large scale or small scale, I know that there’s someone somewhere out there in the world who needs to hear my voice, who needs to see my talent.
It sucks but, I’ve just gotta keep at this shit until I figure it out…
I mean, Rome wasn’t built in a day, Barack Obama didn’t become president over night, The Civil Rights Movement didn’t happen in one try and the underground railroad wasn’t smooth sailing.
Things will happen, exactly when they’re supposed to; I just have to be patient and keep kicking the stupid metaphorical ball.