Walk Away (Remember Me)

I never thought I’d be doing this,

This thing called casual sex but

Here I am

Doing it over, and over, and over again-with you.

Constantly wondering why the hell you were so special.

I swore I’d never do this, just fuck a guy with no relationship, no future but here I am

Fucking you over, and over and over.

Listening and watching you say how much you want a wife and

Apparently that’s not me.

Yet I’m still here,

Still stupidly hoping that you’ll pick me

That you’ll choose me

That maybe I’m not being stupid after all

Of course I know I’m being stupid

I look at myself every damn day and think about how stupid I am

For allowing you to be the first person that I do this with

The first guy that I had sex with and there was no relationship or commitment involved

I never wanted it to be like this

Never wanted to be sharing myself with some random guy

But see, you’re not just a random guy

You’re sweet and wonderful and God, any girl would kill to have a man like you

But I don’t think you know you or what the hell you want

I’d like to know, what do you want from me?

You say you want friendship but really

Is that really what you want?

Because nothing we’ve done is exactly friendly

It’s sinful to say the least

But it’s one damn good sin that’s for sure

I feel so stupid

That’s all I can keep saying

But when I’m with you, I don’t feel stupid

Just confused as hell

Because we both know what this is

Just kidding ourselves that it’s something more

Calling it friendship

When it’s a fuck-ship

A situationship

A ship that I wanna get the fuck off of but

I’m stuck like chuck and I really like to fuck-you.

I think it’s because you’re the first boy I really opened up to

The first boy I actually decided to give a chance

And my heart, my stupid foolish heart

Went and betrayed me and it fell for you

I fell for you

I know that me saying this will probably make you feel weird but I do

I really, really like you.

But you don’t like me, at least I don’t think you do.

You see, I said I wouldn’t come forward with my feelings because I didn’t wanna seem clingy

And I didn’t wanna frighten you like the last time we had this conversation

So I told myself this was cool, and it is, sometimes

But then nights come where I just wanna feel your arms around me and

Those creeping thoughts of my future come in and,

You’re there, you’re always there.

I told myself that the first time I drove to see you that I shouldn’t get attached

That I wouldn’t get attached

That I could totally handle this

And I thought could but I lied to myself because

I was in this, whatever the hell it was

And instead of admitting defeat

I sat and surrendered to the inevitable

The end which I knew was soon to come

One day, you’d bore of me

One day, you’d grow tired of me

One day, some other pretty girl with a ‘dope mind’ would come along and entice you

She’d charm you with her good looks, her wonderful personality

And I, I’d just be a passing thought

Because there’s no way in hell you can stay friends with the girl you constantly fucked.

I’d never admit it to you personally but,

When it finally ended, it hurt like fuck.

But you know what?

I thanked God!

I literally-in the midst of my crying-thanked God

And, I even prayed for you

Because I don’t wanna hate you

Because hating you will only stop me from finding the man God has for me.

Being bitter won’t stop anything but me pursuing my dreams

Being bitter won’t change what happened

That I acted stupidly, that I’d hoped that you would want something more

None of that will change the fact that this is over

It’s so, so over

Nope, not over like last time because God, that great guy, he gave me just what I needed

This time YOU ended things

You might not think you did but you totally did

And what a blessing it was when you ended it!

I thought this was going to be some long, drawn out thing but

You ended things with just a few simple words:

‘Let’s just be friends’

You have NO idea how FREEING that message was

I’ll admit, I cried a bit because it stung

Because you were the first one I’d allowed to cross the threshold

Of my bruised and damaged heart

You were the first one that I was like ‘fuck it’

And dived head first into…whatever the fuck this was.

Like I said I have ZERO regrets

I might have written a poem last time saying ‘fuck you’ but

I immediately took that shit back

Because I didn’t mean to say ‘fuck you’ but I was mad

And writing that poem was the best I had at the time

So this time, I won’t say fuck you

Instead, I’ll say thank you.

I tried walking away

But I came back because I said that I ‘didn’t wanna lose your friendship’

Because deep down I really do value that

I value you.

You see, you weren’t just some boy I liked

But you were a man with an amazing personality

A man who’s going places

A man that can change the world

And I liked that.

I was attracted to that.

You see, I saw parts of myself

Pieces of my own pain within you

I saw the darkness that lies there

Those deep thoughts you have when you’re by yourself

The struggles you’ve faced while chasing your dream

I’ve been there and I’ve done that

I saw that and that, that was what attracted me to you.

Not your game, not your looks but something deeper

I must admit when I first laid eyes on you

It was because you were cute

Now that I’m this so called ‘grown-woman’

I realize that I was attracted to the grown man in you

I liked the fact that I didn’t have to feel bad that I didn’t have it all together

Neither did you and it made me feel okay

You didn’t judge me

And when shared my deepest truth with you, you seemed to respect it

You seemed to respect me

Sometimes though, I wish I hadn’t been willing to fuck so easily but

The timing just felt right and I have no, absolutely no regrets about that

I just wish my heart hadn’t been so willing

I wish my heart had been a little bit smarter when it chose the first guy to break it

I wish it had been some fuck boy but

This heartbreak taught me a lesson

For the first time in my life, I knew what it was like

To feel wanted by a man

Not just because of my body

To be seen as more than just a pair of thighs, tits, and ass

Based on all that, I can’t call you a fuck boy

Because how can I be mad at the boy I let fuck?

Could I have been more cautious? Sure

But that’s what happens when you get sideswiped by love

I feel in love with the idea of you

I fell in love with the fact that you approached me first

I fell in love with the idea that you were honest

That you wanted to know me and fuck me

I just wish I knew which was more important.

You’ve said knowing me was more important but I’m not so sure

Still for me though,

I just wish that I knew which part I enjoyed more

Knowing you or fucking you

The latter is good but I wish that I got to know you more

Because at the least with the former I wouldn’t feel so insecure

I keep wondering what it is you saw in me

But I dare not ask

Because I’m not sure if I’d like the answer

Did I tell you that I was prewarned about you?

I was always scared of the boys who dressed like thugs

When I really should’ve been afraid of good looking men in suits

Still though, this situationship has taught me a lot of things

It’s taught me that it’s okay to fall in love with the wrong people

That sex is totally freeing, when it’s with the right person of course

That this love thing isn’t as bad as I thought

No, I wasn’t in love with you, at least I don’t think I was

I felt like if this had lasted any longer, I would’ve gotten there

And that was the scary part

To know that I could’ve fallen in love with you had this lasted any longer

Now though, the thought is terrifying

Because I wasn’t ready for love and neither are you

You might think you are but dude, you are so not ready

Because if you were, you’d have realized what you had in front of you and not fucked it up

This is a precautionary tale

To warn young girls of the dangers of love

You see, my guard wasn’t completely down when I met you

But it was down enough for visions of a life with you in it go get into my head

Ironically, I was scared of that, of wanting a future with you

I created a million reasons in my head why we wouldn’t work out

Isn’t it sad?

That in the end, I was right

I guess my discernment was blinded by my infatuation with you

I liked you so much that I was afraid of liking you too much

Because I knew that my heart would be broken

And it was

How the hell did we get here?

Can we just go back to almost four-and-a-half months ago when you first slid into my DMs?

If I could go back

I’d totally seek out your true intentions

Because I never figured out what you really wanted from me

Was I just a pretty face?

I mean, you did say that you’d been watching me for a while so…

But no, I won’t go back, won’t try and figure things out

It’s good to make a clean break

I know you said friends but

We both know that this is too damn awkward to remain friends, at least, for me it is

I’ve already deleted your texts

Pretty soon I’ll delete your number

I’m not sure if I’ll unfollow you on social media though

Maybe one day I will just ,not  right now

If you ever read this

Please don’t take this the wrong way

I’m not doing this to bash you

Or to hurt you

But this, this is for me

This is how I heal

How I vent

And as for my last one worded text well

I didn’t know what the hell to say

Your response was cut and dry so

I felt no need to say my piece

Because what the hell could I say?

That I was scared and didn’t know what the hell I was doing

I didn’t know what the hell we were doing

I told you the night before this ended that I didn’t do feelings

I wish you had listened instead of brushing it off and shaking your head

Telling me that I was being ‘extra’ as always

I wish you’d seen the writings on the wall

Because I left plenty of clues

Maybe you did see them and just decided to be like ‘fuck it’, ion know

Do you know how many guys I’ve turned down since we started this little, whatever it was?

I was loyal to you but, your heart and your feelings weren’t exactly loyal to me

And that kinda hurts

I feel like I got played…

But still

God is good

He will get me through this and you

I wish you no harm

I can only pray that you get your shit together

That next time, you don’t lead girls on

You may not think you did but

You lead me on

If you wanna fuck a girl

Just say so next time

Don’t try and butter her up with fancy words

At least, not the ones who’ve been hurt

Not the ones who are vulnerable

Not the ones who are ready to open their hearts to love

Because I was all of that

I was hurt, vulnerable and ready to open my heart up to love

And you used that

Took advantage of that

And I kinda hate you for that

But still

I’m glad my first heart break was you

Because at least love didn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth

Well it did but, it’s like taking that nasty cherry flavored medicine

It only tastes bad for a second but then the water washes away the taste

You left a bitter taste but I’ve drank my water and it doesn’t taste so bad

Now it’s time for the healing to start…

 

 

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