I never thought I’d be doing this,
This thing called casual sex but
Here I am
Doing it over, and over, and over again-with you.
Constantly wondering why the hell you were so special.
I swore I’d never do this, just fuck a guy with no relationship, no future but here I am
Fucking you over, and over and over.
Listening and watching you say how much you want a wife and
Apparently that’s not me.
Yet I’m still here,
Still stupidly hoping that you’ll pick me
That you’ll choose me
That maybe I’m not being stupid after all
Of course I know I’m being stupid
I look at myself every damn day and think about how stupid I am
For allowing you to be the first person that I do this with
The first guy that I had sex with and there was no relationship or commitment involved
I never wanted it to be like this
Never wanted to be sharing myself with some random guy
But see, you’re not just a random guy
You’re sweet and wonderful and God, any girl would kill to have a man like you
But I don’t think you know you or what the hell you want
I’d like to know, what do you want from me?
You say you want friendship but really
Is that really what you want?
Because nothing we’ve done is exactly friendly
It’s sinful to say the least
But it’s one damn good sin that’s for sure
I feel so stupid
That’s all I can keep saying
But when I’m with you, I don’t feel stupid
Just confused as hell
Because we both know what this is
Just kidding ourselves that it’s something more
Calling it friendship
When it’s a fuck-ship
A ship that I wanna get the fuck off of but
I’m stuck like chuck and I really like to fuck-you.
I think it’s because you’re the first boy I really opened up to
The first boy I actually decided to give a chance
And my heart, my stupid foolish heart
Went and betrayed me and it fell for you
I fell for you
I know that me saying this will probably make you feel weird but I do
I really, really like you.
But you don’t like me, at least I don’t think you do.
You see, I said I wouldn’t come forward with my feelings because I didn’t wanna seem clingy
And I didn’t wanna frighten you like the last time we had this conversation
So I told myself this was cool, and it is, sometimes
But then nights come where I just wanna feel your arms around me and
Those creeping thoughts of my future come in and,
You’re there, you’re always there.
I told myself that the first time I drove to see you that I shouldn’t get attached
That I wouldn’t get attached
That I could totally handle this
And I thought could but I lied to myself because
I was in this, whatever the hell it was
And instead of admitting defeat
I sat and surrendered to the inevitable
The end which I knew was soon to come
One day, you’d bore of me
One day, you’d grow tired of me
One day, some other pretty girl with a ‘dope mind’ would come along and entice you
She’d charm you with her good looks, her wonderful personality
And I, I’d just be a passing thought
Because there’s no way in hell you can stay friends with the girl you constantly fucked.
I’d never admit it to you personally but,
When it finally ended, it hurt like fuck.
But you know what?
I thanked God!
I literally-in the midst of my crying-thanked God
And, I even prayed for you
Because I don’t wanna hate you
Because hating you will only stop me from finding the man God has for me.
Being bitter won’t stop anything but me pursuing my dreams
Being bitter won’t change what happened
That I acted stupidly, that I’d hoped that you would want something more
None of that will change the fact that this is over
It’s so, so over
Nope, not over like last time because God, that great guy, he gave me just what I needed
This time YOU ended things
You might not think you did but you totally did
And what a blessing it was when you ended it!
I thought this was going to be some long, drawn out thing but
You ended things with just a few simple words:
‘Let’s just be friends’
You have NO idea how FREEING that message was
I’ll admit, I cried a bit because it stung
Because you were the first one I’d allowed to cross the threshold
Of my bruised and damaged heart
You were the first one that I was like ‘fuck it’
And dived head first into…whatever the fuck this was.
Like I said I have ZERO regrets
I might have written a poem last time saying ‘fuck you’ but
I immediately took that shit back
Because I didn’t mean to say ‘fuck you’ but I was mad
And writing that poem was the best I had at the time
So this time, I won’t say fuck you
Instead, I’ll say thank you.
I tried walking away
But I came back because I said that I ‘didn’t wanna lose your friendship’
Because deep down I really do value that
I value you.
You see, you weren’t just some boy I liked
But you were a man with an amazing personality
A man who’s going places
A man that can change the world
And I liked that.
I was attracted to that.
You see, I saw parts of myself
Pieces of my own pain within you
I saw the darkness that lies there
Those deep thoughts you have when you’re by yourself
The struggles you’ve faced while chasing your dream
I’ve been there and I’ve done that
I saw that and that, that was what attracted me to you.
Not your game, not your looks but something deeper
I must admit when I first laid eyes on you
It was because you were cute
Now that I’m this so called ‘grown-woman’
I realize that I was attracted to the grown man in you
I liked the fact that I didn’t have to feel bad that I didn’t have it all together
Neither did you and it made me feel okay
You didn’t judge me
And when shared my deepest truth with you, you seemed to respect it
You seemed to respect me
Sometimes though, I wish I hadn’t been willing to fuck so easily but
The timing just felt right and I have no, absolutely no regrets about that
I just wish my heart hadn’t been so willing
I wish my heart had been a little bit smarter when it chose the first guy to break it
I wish it had been some fuck boy but
This heartbreak taught me a lesson
For the first time in my life, I knew what it was like
To feel wanted by a man
Not just because of my body
To be seen as more than just a pair of thighs, tits, and ass
Based on all that, I can’t call you a fuck boy
Because how can I be mad at the boy I let fuck?
Could I have been more cautious? Sure
But that’s what happens when you get sideswiped by love
I feel in love with the idea of you
I fell in love with the fact that you approached me first
I fell in love with the idea that you were honest
That you wanted to know me and fuck me
I just wish I knew which was more important.
You’ve said knowing me was more important but I’m not so sure
Still for me though,
I just wish that I knew which part I enjoyed more
Knowing you or fucking you
The latter is good but I wish that I got to know you more
Because at the least with the former I wouldn’t feel so insecure
I keep wondering what it is you saw in me
But I dare not ask
Because I’m not sure if I’d like the answer
Did I tell you that I was prewarned about you?
I was always scared of the boys who dressed like thugs
When I really should’ve been afraid of good looking men in suits
Still though, this situationship has taught me a lot of things
It’s taught me that it’s okay to fall in love with the wrong people
That sex is totally freeing, when it’s with the right person of course
That this love thing isn’t as bad as I thought
No, I wasn’t in love with you, at least I don’t think I was
I felt like if this had lasted any longer, I would’ve gotten there
And that was the scary part
To know that I could’ve fallen in love with you had this lasted any longer
Now though, the thought is terrifying
Because I wasn’t ready for love and neither are you
You might think you are but dude, you are so not ready
Because if you were, you’d have realized what you had in front of you and not fucked it up
This is a precautionary tale
To warn young girls of the dangers of love
You see, my guard wasn’t completely down when I met you
But it was down enough for visions of a life with you in it go get into my head
Ironically, I was scared of that, of wanting a future with you
I created a million reasons in my head why we wouldn’t work out
Isn’t it sad?
That in the end, I was right
I guess my discernment was blinded by my infatuation with you
I liked you so much that I was afraid of liking you too much
Because I knew that my heart would be broken
And it was
How the hell did we get here?
Can we just go back to almost four-and-a-half months ago when you first slid into my DMs?
If I could go back
I’d totally seek out your true intentions
Because I never figured out what you really wanted from me
Was I just a pretty face?
I mean, you did say that you’d been watching me for a while so…
But no, I won’t go back, won’t try and figure things out
It’s good to make a clean break
I know you said friends but
We both know that this is too damn awkward to remain friends, at least, for me it is
I’ve already deleted your texts
Pretty soon I’ll delete your number
I’m not sure if I’ll unfollow you on social media though
Maybe one day I will just ,not right now
If you ever read this
Please don’t take this the wrong way
I’m not doing this to bash you
Or to hurt you
But this, this is for me
This is how I heal
How I vent
And as for my last one worded text well
I didn’t know what the hell to say
Your response was cut and dry so
I felt no need to say my piece
Because what the hell could I say?
That I was scared and didn’t know what the hell I was doing
I didn’t know what the hell we were doing
I told you the night before this ended that I didn’t do feelings
I wish you had listened instead of brushing it off and shaking your head
Telling me that I was being ‘extra’ as always
I wish you’d seen the writings on the wall
Because I left plenty of clues
Maybe you did see them and just decided to be like ‘fuck it’, ion know
Do you know how many guys I’ve turned down since we started this little, whatever it was?
I was loyal to you but, your heart and your feelings weren’t exactly loyal to me
And that kinda hurts
I feel like I got played…
God is good
He will get me through this and you
I wish you no harm
I can only pray that you get your shit together
That next time, you don’t lead girls on
You may not think you did but
You lead me on
If you wanna fuck a girl
Just say so next time
Don’t try and butter her up with fancy words
At least, not the ones who’ve been hurt
Not the ones who are vulnerable
Not the ones who are ready to open their hearts to love
Because I was all of that
I was hurt, vulnerable and ready to open my heart up to love
And you used that
Took advantage of that
And I kinda hate you for that
I’m glad my first heart break was you
Because at least love didn’t leave a bitter taste in my mouth
Well it did but, it’s like taking that nasty cherry flavored medicine
It only tastes bad for a second but then the water washes away the taste
You left a bitter taste but I’ve drank my water and it doesn’t taste so bad
Now it’s time for the healing to start…